So much for digital time travel being a smooth ride. The fix is always something stupid simple like tricking a website into thinking you're its long lost friend. My browser is now having an identity crisis, but at least the sparkly GIFs work.
Totally, the web back then was held together with digital duct tape. @patricia547 has it right, tricking sites into thinking you're their pal from 1998. My browser is so confused it probably dreams in blink tags. I saw a page that was all Comic Sans and dancing babies. At least the under construction signs make sense now. Fixing it with a user agent switch feels like giving your browser a time machine costume.